


Drown

by Mistress_Kalamity



Series: Epilepsy Awareness [3]
Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Epilepsy, Gen, Medical Emergency, Medication, Seizures, complex partial seizure, tokio hotel doesn't exist, tonic clonic seizure
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 02:36:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9858209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mistress_Kalamity/pseuds/Mistress_Kalamity
Summary: ...to me it looks like you're drowning on dry land...





	

My brother and I spend a lot of time together. We are twins and I think he's the only person I trust. I'm only nine so what do I know about trust. I'm a kid. I know he trusts me though. He tells me everything. Especially when he's not feeling well. It's Christmas time and we have our whole family here. It's like a million people. I am so excited to open all of my gifts.

****

The twins sat very obediently on the couch watching all the adults talk and sip drinks from tiny glasses. They had a few cousins they could play with but they decided not to. Well, Tom wasn't feeling well and Bill wanted to stay with him. He held his twin's hand and squeezes it every forty seconds or so to remind Tom that's he's here.

 

“Time for presents,” their mom announces.

 

All the kids sit by the tree and eagerly waited for their presents. Each child is handed a gift and the twins switch to open each other's something they've done since they were five. Tom stops ripping off the paper and sits very still next to his twin.

 

“Look Tomi, you got a he man toy, Tomi?”

 

Bill puts the toy down and crawls to face his brother. He's swallowing really hard and his hands are twitching.

 

“Mama!”

 

Before Simone can put her coffee down and get to her children, Tom falls forward into his brother. Bill holds his brothers shaking body as best as he could.

 

“Shit, it's okay, buddy. I've got him Bill go find your father, sweetie.”

 

She picks her son up (against her sister, the doctor’s warnings) and puts him down on the couch. He's still shaking, his fingers and lips have turned blue.

 

“It's alright, baby. Mommy's here and you're doing great. Come back to me okay. Just take a deep breath.”

 

“Want me to call an ambulance, Simone?” Her mom asks.

 

“No this happens a lot. I was hoping that maybe he'd have an okay Christmas but I guess the unpredictable nature of this disorder has beat us again.”

 

He stops shaking and is just twitching on the couch. She places a hand on his torso and his back and gently pats him, trying to get a breath out of him. He coughs very violently and vomits. She's upset that he vomited but he's breathing and that's all she cares about. Every time Tom stops breathing during a seizure, she stops breathing.

 

“There you go, it's going to be alright you're going to be fine sweetheart.”

 

Jorg returns with an emergency injection and hands it to his wife. She, as discreetly as possible, gives him the medicine and kisses his cheek.

 

“Sorry about this guys, Tom's been under the weather the past few months I guess this was not a good day for him,” she apologizes.

 

“I'll take him up to bed,” Jorg says.

 

“I wanna lay with him mama,” Bill sniffles.

 

The young boy picks up his brother's toy and the half-opened gift that Tom had and goes up the stairs behind his father. He snuggled up with him and holds him tight, falling asleep next to his brother. They both wake up, Bill because Tom's crying.

 

“Bubbi, what's wrong?”

 

“I ruined Christmas for you and for mama and for papa.”

 

“No you didn't. I already opened your gift, open mine.”

 

Tom very tiredly rips the paper away from the box and sees that Bill received a make up kit. The same one he saw in the mall that he begged his mother for.

 

“Merry Christmas Tomi. Are you feeling better now?”

 

“No, I feel like I ate rocks.”

 

“Want me to make it feel better? I could do your makeup,” Bill offers.

 

“Okay,” Tom chirps.

 

Bill wipes the tears from Tom's face and opens up the makeup palette. He starts to put the dark eye shadows and eyeliner on Tom's face and even puts blush. Their mother goes into the room and sees the twins playing and smiles a little. She knows how much Tom needed to be distracted from his own personal demons.

 

She gets a little closer and sits down on the floor next to their bed.

 

“Did I do a good job mommy?”

 

“Yes, you did Billa,” she smiles, “how are you feeling Tomi?”

 

“Better thanks to Bibi.”

 

“That's good. Does your head hurt or your mouth?”

 

“My mouth hurts a little.”

 

“Okay, don't worry. It'll heal up real soon.”

 

Tom smiles a little and Bill goes back to doing his make up. Simone decides to bring some Christmas cookies and milk up to the boys, so she gets up and goes to the door. She hears a thump and turns around to see Tom's fallen back and hit his head on the wall.

 

“Tom?!”

 

She rushes over and gently pulls Bill away. She lays the nine-year old down and brushes his hair from his face.

 

“It's okay baby. Just relax. You're gonna be alright,” she coos.

 

Bill takes his twin's trembling hand and holds it tight. 

 

“He really appreciates that Billa. Keep holding his hand.”

 

Bill’s hazel eyes remained trained on him and he squeezes his hand a few times. Once it's over he kisses his twin's forehead and climbs into the bed next to him. Bill has to always be there for Tom no matter what. This attitude sticks with him even into their teenage years. At 15 years old, both twins are playing ice hockey on the frozen lake with the boys from the prestigious private school they all attended. The Christmas holiday just started and they enjoyed pulling on their skates and chucking the black puck back and forth on their homemade rink. Bill and Tom were winning, 10-12, making Georg and Gustav really angry. Andreas sat in his wheelchair keeping track of the score. He had been paralyzed three years prior in a car accident. A truck hit his car and he was the only one who survived, his parents died. He moved in with his grandmother, who lived in the same neighborhood as the twins and put him their school. Thus he started a friendship with the four boys. “You suck, Gustav,” he cackled at the pudgier kid.

 

“Why don’t you come say that to my face, wheels,” Gustav jokes. Andreas didn’t mind when Gustav called him that. He felt it was Gustav’s way of giving him a nickname that wasn’t too insensitive. He sticks out his tongue and Bill skates pass and gives him a high five.

 

“Alright, you losers, next goal is the winning point,” Tom smiles.

 

“Bring it, Kaulitz,” Georg snorts. They start the next play and Tom has the puck, he’s skating to the goal when he stops and Gustav steals the puck from him and quickly scores the winning goal. Bill stands up right and looks at his brother.

 

“Tom, what the hell? We lost to---Tomi?” Bill drops his stick and skates over to his brother. His older twin is standing on the ice, grip loosening on the hockey stick, eyes trained up at the sky. He is swallowing a lot more than necessary and sticking his tongue out, wetting his lips. Bill recognizes the behavior and gets a grip on Tom’s body. He gently pushes him on the ice over to the snow and lays his brother in the powder.

 

“Is he alright?” Andreas says while wheeling over. Georg and Gustav skate over to check on their younger friend as well.

 

“Yeah. He’s just going to have a seizure. I don’t get why though. He took his medication today.”

 

“Whoa. Back up, Bill, did you just say he’s going to have a seizure right now? How could you possibly know that?” Georg shrieks.

 

“He has epilepsy and right now he’s having a complex partial. When he does this, he almost always has a full-blown tonic clonic.”

 

“Uh, is there anything you need for us to do?” Andreas asks.

 

“Yeah, Andi, can you time the seizure once it starts? Georg pass me his bag and Gustav I need you to help me hold him.” The three boys do as they’re told and as soon as Tom starts convulsing, Andreas starts his phone’s stopwatch. Bill rubs Tom’s thigh to remind him that he’s not alone and that he’s safe. Gustav scrunched up his nose when he starts to smell urine. He had heard stories about Tom’s seizures from other kids but he never really seen one with his own eyes. It scared the living hell out of him. Bill takes the bag from Georg and extracts a needle from the knapsack’s side pocket.

 

“Whoa. What the fuck is that?” Georg asks.

 

“Emergency medication. I have to give it to him or it won’t stop. He’ll just keep seizing. Can you pass me the blanket in my bag. Georg tosses the black throw at him which his uses to cover Tom’s lower half. “Sorry, that I have to do this here, Tomi,” he whispers into his brother’s ear. He always apologizes when the setting that his seizures manifest in could embarrass the teen when he wakes up. He discreetly rolls down his pants and underwear and jabs the needle into his thigh emptying the syringe and sending the medication into his bloodstream.

 

“What happens now?” Andreas asks when he sees Bill withdraw the needle.

 

“We wait. Either he’ll stop or he won’t. If he doesn’t stop in the next ten minutes, I have to call the paramedics,” Bill exhales.

 

“I thought it was five minutes,” Gustav challenges.

 

“Not with Tom’s case. His seizures don’t stop naturally anymore. He has to be medicated. So because of that, we have to wait ten minutes for the medication to stop his seizure.”

 

“Why’d that happen?” Andreas asks.

 

“I don’t follow,” Bill shakes his head.

 

“Why’d his seizures stop ending naturally?”

 

“Uh, when he was ten he had a seizure in the bathtub, hit his head up against the tile wall in our bathroom. He was um, in the hospital for a while and his seizures suddenly lasted 7 minutes and then 8 and then 9 and soon they just wouldn’t stop for sometimes 15 - 20 minutes. He was always ending up hospitalized. So mom talked to a doctor who prescribed the emergency medication,” Bill sighs sadly.

 

“Hey, I think he’s coming out of it,” Gustav announces. Bill looks down at his seizing brother, his face was red from mushing it into the snow but that was the softest place Bill could think of for Tom to seize. Bill pulled his khakis up and tightened his belt. His pants were wet from him voiding his bladder so Bill decides to leave the throw on his lower region.

 

“Mhmm, wha?”

 

“Shh, it’s okay, Tomi. You had a seizure is all. I’m here. We all are. You’re safe, don’t worry,” Bill coos. “Can you sit up or do you need a moment?”

 

“Buhhhh….” Tom slurs, some saliva flying from his mouth.

 

“Shh, don’t worry about talking. I’m right here. Can you sit up?” Tom’s eyes lolled down and he stares blankly at the frozen lake. He raises a shaky hand at the lake.

 

“What’s he saying?” Gustav asks. Bill laughs and shakes his head at Tom. Even like this his sense of humor didn’t die. He pulls his brother into his lap and hugs him.

 

“He wants to know if you’re up for a rematch?”

 

The whole group starts laughing, Bill uses this opportunity to get Tom to his feet. He’s unsteady and his limbs tremble as he takes each step. “Want me to open the car door?” Georg suggests.

 

“Could you?” Once Bill gets his brother to the car, he lays the blanket down and helps Tom get situated along the back seats. He’s exhausted and everyone knew it. Bill couldn’t drive with him laying down like that, it wouldn’t be safe. He just locks the door, turns up the heat and lets him sleep for a few moment. Just to get his orientation back. Bill sits with Georg on a picnic bench drinking a beer. Not too much, he could still drive.

 

“So, you deal with that a lot?” The older teen asks.

 

“Yeah, since we were kids. I remember a lot of our family events were ruined by one of his seizures. Birthdays, parties, holidays. You name it and his seizures make a grand appearance. This is the first normal day I think he nearly had before boom, seizure. It fucking sucks,” Bill chuckles sadly while taking a swig from his bottle.

 

“Well, you’re an amazing brother because you take really good care of him.”

 

“You kidding me? I have to take care of him. You see what happens when those things hit. He looks like he’s drowning on dry land.”

 

“It is kind of disturbing to look at but that’s still Tomi. I mean you heard him, he wanted to know if we were up to rematch, I mean that kid is….he’s something else, man,” Georg chides excitedly. “I wish I met him before. You know when you guys were kids.”

 

“You would’ve hated us. We never did anything apart and we looked exactly the same.”

 

“And?”

 

“And Tom’s epilepsy was really out of control when we were kids. He would have 4 to 5 fits a day. You wouldn’t have wanted to be around during those days. You really would’ve been freaked out. That’s the reason we didn’t have many friends. They’d come over to play or we’d go over to them, Tom would have a seizure and then they didn’t like us anymore.”

 

“I wouldn’t have done that.”

 

“Yeah you would’ve. You only didn’t dip shit now because I needed your help. If I didn’t need you to help me to save his life, you wouldn’t be in ours anymore.”

 

“Bill, you really think that way. That’s not true for me or Gustav or Andreas. Dude, we already knew about his seizures, man.”

 

“What?” Bill whimpers, wiping away his tears.

 

“Yeah, your mom told us about it. When you guys spent the night and Tom had that accident, you know in the living room and your mom and my mom said we couldn’t go downstairs. Your mom told us later on what happened. We knew he had seizures, we just never seen them before.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me that?”

 

“I didn’t know if it was important. I felt that we should just mind our business. Your mom tells me a 12-year-old had an accident and I believe her. You mom tells me that he has a seizure disorder and that’s what caused his accident, I mind my fucking business. That’s what my father always told me.”

 

“Well thanks for being there. You can tell the others that too. Tom and I really appreciate it. I often feel upset that he can’t have one normal day but I know that he’ll get the help he needs when he needs it.”

 

“I’ll do all I can and so will those bozos. But maybe we should have a code word. Something I could text you to tell you it’s happening but don’t worry he’s safe with one of us.”

 

“Text me the word, DROWN. All caps. I’ll know what it means.”

 

“Alright, I’ll tell those two that too.” Bill takes a swig from his beer and leans over and hugs his best friend. He walks over to the car and Tom is waking up. He opens the door and helps Tom sit up in the seat.

 

“Hey, can you hear me, Tomi?”

 

“Where….are we?”

 

“We’re at the lake. We were playing hockey with Georg, Gustav and Andreas, remember?”

 

“Why...wet?”

 

“You had a seizure. I’m going to take you home to clean you up, okay? Can I buckle your seatbelt?” Tom nods confusingly while Bill clicks the seatbelt into place. The teen falls back to sleep in the backseat and Bill decides this would be the best time to get him home. The twins eventually end up sleeping in Bill’s room on the bed with the sounds of Alice in Wonderland playing in the background. They were all tangled up into each other. Both waking up in the same bed come morning. They showered separately and Tom joined his family for an early breakfast.

 

“Your brother told us you had another seizure, Thomas?” His step father sighs.

 

“Yeah at the lake. I’m fine though. I feel fine. I slept it off.”

 

“Have you been taking your medication, Thomas?” His mother asks.

 

“Yeah, I just had a really stressful finals week, I guess it was a build up from that,” Tom mumbles shoveling food into his mouth hoping it’d stop the interrogation.

 

“Thomas, you have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. Yolanda will be taking you. Don’t be late, it’s at 13:45.”

“Yeah, whatever,” Tom snorts. His stepfather puts his phone down and looks at his step son. He didn’t understand why Tom tried to brush this conversation off.

 

“I am shocked by your nonchalant manner with this situation, Thomas. You have been living with this illness for how many years? I would assume you’d be taking you health a bit more seriously but instead you treat it as casual as a pimple.”

 

“Dad, maybe you should dro---.”

 

“Yeah, I’ve been dealing with it. Not any of you!” Tom argues. Bill shuts his mouth because he knows he was too late in piping up to stop this argument from manifesting. He takes a swig of juice from his cup and sits back in his seat. “The only person here who seems to have my back is Bill. You two just shove me over to doctor after the next forcing god knows what down my throat and hope that it stops my brain from embarrassing you two at all your fancy parties,” Tom spits.

 

“That is not our intention, Thomas.”

 

“Oh my god, Gordon, seriously, call me Thomas one more time and I am going to hit you. My name is Tom, alright. Say it with me, Tom. T-O-M. Tom. The only person who called me Thomas was my biological father and in case you couldn’t tell he isn’t here right now. But if he was, he’d understand me,” Tom cries. Tears sting his eyes and he gets up quickly, running from the table.

 

“Tom, wait.” Bill calls. He sighs and glares at his parents. “Great. Nice going, you two. World class parenting.” He chases after his brother, who ran to go hide in his favorite spot. Even at 15, he’d go hide in the closet where dad’s coat still hangs. The twins’ mom never removed it because she knew it was a comfort object for Tom. The twins’ biological father died in an airplane crash when the boys were 11. Gordon took over as step father a year after Jorg died, bringing with him his wealth. Simone still worked at her job but he took care of the boys’ schooling and Tom’s medical costs. Bill opens the door and sees his twin crouched in the corner, the sleeve of the coat on his head.

 

“I’m sorry, I ruined breakfast, didn’t I?”

 

“Nah, I was getting disgusted of mom’s eggs anyway. She was never a good cook,” Bill chuckles. He sits down next to his twin and puts a hand on his knee. “Feel better,” he pries.

 

“Not really. I just want dad to come back. Ever since mom married Gordon, she’s been casting me aside. Gordon keeps me medicated and I feel like a caged test bunny.”

 

“He doesn’t mean any harm by it. Your seizures are pretty devastating now. You do need to find a way to control them, I do agree. I just think he could be empathetic to you and mom could too.”

 

“That’s why you’re my twin and not someone else. You care about me. I wish mom and step dad did.”

 

“They do. It’s just easier for me to take care of you opposed to them. You trust me more and I can be gentle because I’m the same size as you.”

 

“Yeah and now the G’s and Andi know about me,” Tom snorts.

 

“They already knew. Mom told them a long time ago. Like when Andi first started hanging with us long time ago.”

 

“Seriously?”

 

“Yeah, Georg told me. I don’t give a fuck though. That just saved us a whole conversation. They agreed to help me look after you. We even got a code word in case they’re with you and not me. It’s DROWN, all caps.”

 

“So they scream that?”

 

“No, you moron, they text it to me and if I’m in class, I’ll know that you’re having a seizure somewhere but you’re with one of them and you’re safe.”

 

“Oh, that’s kind of cool actually. It’s like I have my own protocol or something,” Tom chuckles. “But why DROWN.”

 

“Well to me, whenever you have a seizure, it looks like you’re drowning on dry land,” Bill shrugs. “I figure wha would be the best code word that wouldn’t be too out of the ordinary or too obvious in case someone reads over my shoulder. DROWN. No one but me would get it.”

 

“You are such a nerd.”

 

“Highest GPA in the country, Tomi. Remember not one of, not number six no, I am the highest GPA. Your little brother is a fucking genius,” Bill exclaims.

 

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry Mr. Genius. Can I take my medication now? I’d like to stay vertical.”

 

“Oh right, sure. You should finish your breakfast though. You puke when you take them on an empty stomach.” Tom groans, not wanting to return to that kitchen but he had no choice. He stomps back into the room and plops down in his seat. He quickly eats his breakfast without exchanging any words with his parents and takes his capsules. He hands the syringe to Bill so he can give him the injections when Bill sees his brother jerk. He catches him as he expels from the seat. He pulls him to the floor and holds him. “Mom, can you pass me the EM please?”

 

“Which one?”

 

“Green tape, hurry.” Tom’s body isn’t rigid anymore and he’s convulsing right in Bill’s lap. His arms outstretched in front of him, nearly hitting Bill in the face. His eyes are rolled upward and his mouth is slack. His legs are jerking out of his control and his fingers are contorted into weird angles. Tom’s snorting and Bill can feel the moisture on his pajama pants. This is a really bad one. “Shhh, it’s okay Tomi, just take a deep breath.”

 

“Bill, should I call for the paramedics?”

 

“No, mom. He should be fine. He took his medication an hour late and still didn’t take all of it.”

 

“Okay,” she sighs. Simone had been so busy working that she had started neglecting her oldest. Watching him in this state hit her like a locomotive. Tom is her baby and she hadn’t been there for him. Bill took over and gave him all the neglected love that she herself had not. Her hand finds her mouth and she sobs. “I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to---to ignore you two. Mommy is so sorry,” she cries.

 

“Who are you apologizing too more, mom? Me or Tom?”

 

“The both of you. I am sorry to the both of you. I shouldn’t have neglected my responsibilities as a mother.”

 

“Mom, can we have this little heart to heart later? In case you didn’t realize, I’m holding your convulsing son,” Bill sighs. He goes back to cooing his brother, reminding him he’s safe and trying to pull him out of his seizure. Tom’s jerking limbs start to slow and his eyes roll down until he’s staring at the cabinets, blankly. Bill slowly lowers both their bodies down until he’s sitting on his butt, holding his twin in his arms. Tom’s body is still in motion and he’s clearly got fluids in his throat. Bill suspects it’s mostly mucus. “Can someone get the suction vac? He’s got a lot of fluids in his throat.”

 

His stepfather exits the kitchen and his mother moistens a towel. She remembers a technic that worked when Tom was a young child. “May I?” She asks while holding out the damp towel. Bill scoots over until his legs are under Tom’s head. She turns his face to the side and rubs the moist warm towel on his chest. “It opens up his airways and will allow for him to cough the offending sludge up himself. Just keep his head facing the side, he might vomit. He usually vomits when this happens.” They roll him onto his side and soon he gags and all rush of fluids comes rushing from his mouth. He coughs soon after and Bill sighs with relief. His breathing is clearer and sounds less congested. Bill looks at his mother and she’s crying.

 

“Mom, he really missed you. He appreciates everything you’ve done for him. You and Gordon. It’s just sometimes you lecture him more and seem so ashamed of him. Back when dad was alive, if Tom had a seizure during a party, you took care of him. Now, you watch while I take care of him, almost like it embarrasses you and you don’t want to be near him when it happens, as if that detaches you from your own child.”

 

“Billie….”

 

“Mom, I’m serious. You really wanted to separate from him, didn’t you? His disorder feels like a huge shame to you, doesn’t it?”

 

“No. I would never feel ashamed of my child. I would never want to be separate from him. It was just easier to deal with as mother when you started to take care of him. I thought maybe he had a chance in this world. He wouldn’t need mommy to catch him every time he falls. He could travel and see the world because I knew you’d go with him. I knew he was safe.”

 

“Is that how you really feel or what you’re saying because you want me to not be mad at you anymore?”

 

“Do you remember when you boys were 9 and we went to the beach. Tom wanted to swim to that big rock in the middle of the ocean. I was gonna say no at first but then you piped up, ‘I’ll go too it sounds like an adventure and it’d be fun.’ In that moment, I flashed back to every memory I have of you two and you have always wanted to experience life with Tom. You took every challenge with him. You crossed every boundary and you risked it all with your brother at your side. I knew that no matter what, Tom would have you,” she pauses. “I wouldn’t need to run after him anymore….because you would be there to catch him when he falls.” Bill looks at his mother and then down at his sleeping brother on his lap. His cheek is pressed into Bill’s leg, allowing for all fluids to escape his lips. He knew she was right. He took such good care of his brother because he wanted him to live. He wanted him to have the chance to see the world. Bill knows that the lifespan of someone with epilepsy is significantly shorter than the lifespan of someone like himself. He didn’t know if Tom would die in two years or two weeks. This fear is what kept him stuck at his brother’s side. Whatever Tom wanted to do, Bill would try it and vice versa. A lot of his talents he can credit to Tom wanting to be the athletic and adventurous. Bill can skateboard, swim, play hockey and ride horses because of his brother. He’s a gifted student just like his brother. Tom and he agreed to try out for basketball during their sophomore year. They had been practicing in the gym every day for weeks now. Bill’s game is pretty good but his footwork could use some tweaking. According to Tom anyway. He chuckles at the memory of when he first crossed his twin and Tom said ‘and now the grasshopper becomes the butterfly’.

 

Bill is snapped out of his head when he feels Tom shifting underneath his hands. He looks down and Tom is trying to move his body. He firms his grip and kisses Tom’s temple. “Shh, it’s okay. You had a seizure. Don’t move. I’m right here, Tom and I am not going anywhere just relax.”

 

“I’ll hold you, don’t worry. I won’t let you drown, Tommy! I promise….”

 

“TOM?!”

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, Tom did not die, the ending is dialogue from the moment Simone mentions in the story. Nobody dies guys, don't worry. Leave comments letting me know if you want this to maybe be a full story. I am considering it. I am actually woking on a full Palo Alto fic right now. So right now, my WIP is called Helping Hand.


End file.
